DX kick off the show, but simply to introduce the NEW WWF Champion, Mankind!
Foley comes out to brand new music (the theme he used for the rest of his career), which, hearing it for the "first" time here, I'm only just realizing how much of a boring, generic theme it really is, besides the car crash intro. It became sort of iconic in it's own right, but it really isn't too good.
Mankind thanks Austin for his help last week, and says he hopes to defend the title against him at Wrestlemania. Vince, Shane and The Rock come out, and Shane announces that tonight, we'll see a Corporate Royal Rumble including all the members of DX and The Corporation, with the winner getting the #30 spot in the Royal Rumble.
Rock then demands a title match at Royal Rumble, and Foley finally agrees, on the condition that they make it an I Quit match. Real smart booking for Foley to add stipulations that mean he can't get screwed over by the Corporation, and that also play up to his strengths of being a ridiculously tough sonofagun who can "Take a lickin' and keep on tickin'!'".
Vince announces that Foley will also be defending the WWF title here tonight, against Kane! Really good mic work all across the board here, but Jesus Christ did this segment drag on. It took up the entire first 22 minutes of the show. That's the same length of time that some show manage to tell an entire narrative in, all spent on a few guys talking to set up three matches.
WWF Tag Team Championship #1 Contendership
The New Age Outlaws (w/Chyna) vs. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart (w/Debra)
Before the match starts, we see a clip of Big Bossman losing a match on HeAT thanks to a Debra distracion. You see, she has boobs, and boobs stop men's brains from working.
Anyway, the match itself was pretty goddamn boring. I'd like to say that Owen supplied some highlights, but I can't even remember him doing anything all that interesting here. Debra tries to distract Billy Gunn with her boobs, but he's immune to their powers somehow! He tells Debra to SUCK IT~! Gunn tags in Road Dogg, then gets distracted by Debra and Chyna squaring off outside the ring, allowing Owen to pin Dogg. I have no idea why two women staring at each other had more of an effect on Gunn than BOOBIES.
OH SHIT SECURITY ARE STANDING BY BACKSTAGE. OUT COMES THE MAN THEY CALL
GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLBEEEEEERRRRG!!!!!
Gillberg vs. Luna Vachon
J.O.B. Squad supply the "pyro" for Gillberg's entrance. He grabs a mic and says that he doesn't want to know Who's Next, he wants to know Who's First! ODB Luna accepts the challenge, and after failed Spear and Jackhammer attempts, picks up the win with a Splash. As far as comedy matches go, this one was less lame than most. An obsessed Sable fan or whatever jumps Luna after the match, before getting dragged away by security.
We see clips of Jose Lothario getting beat down by Vince and the Stooges on HeAT the night before. I'm almost starting to think that I should be watching that show, too...
Dennis Knight is rambling away to Lawler and Cole after the break. The Acolytes approach, and tell him that "He" is waiting.
Val Venis comes out and does his usual "Hello, Ladies!" schtick. He spots an attractive young female in the front row, and starts putting the moves on her, but then WHAM~! Ken Motherfucking Shamrock beats the shit out of that fool! Ken tells Val not to mess with his sister, then as he's leaving, Billy Gunn hits the ring and moons Shamrock's sister! Shamrock and Bossman brawl with Gunn and Venis for a while, and then Shamrock tells Gunn that he'll defend his Intercontintental title against him at Royal Rumble. That's right, he became the #1 contender by baring his buttocks.
European Championship: X-Pac (c) vs. Al Snow
Al Snow has lost his head! Apparently, Goldust stole Head from him last night on HeAT, and Snow looks decidedly lost without it. So-so match, that sees Snow miss a Moonsault (You'll get 'em next time, champ), which leads to a Bronco Buster. Goldust then comes out with Head, which has been given a Goldust-style makeover. Dust hits Snow with Head, which allows Pac to win with an X-Factor. Snow then goes after Head again, only for Goldust to hit him with it again. And then again. Okay.
WWF Championship: Mankind (c) vs. Kane
Highlight of the match is Kane blocking a Stump-Puller Piledriver outside the ring, and then with Foley basically hanging upside-down by his ankles, Kane throws him spine-first into the ring steps, before simply letting him drop to the floor, headfirst. No idea how it didn't kill the guy, honestly.
Mankind counters a Chokeslam attempt with a Low Blow, then follows up with a Double Arm DDT, and then MR. SOCKO! Foley can't get the Mandible Claw through Kane's mask, though, and takes a Tombstone in the middle of the ring! Kane goes for the pin!
1!
2!!
The Rock runs in and breaks up the pin! Rocky delivers a stiff chair shot to Kane, then one to Mankind! Then GLASS SHATTERS! Foley gets up and grabs the chair from The Rock, who decides to head for the hills. Austin enters the ring, and Foley goes to hand him the chair, but gets a STUNNER in return! Kane is to his feet just in time to take a STUNNER of his own! Real fun match that made Kane look like a beast, without really hurting Foley too much. The chaos at the end was a blast to watch, too.
After the break, Vince McMahon is backstage with The Rock, asking him why the hell he stopped Kane from winning the title. Rock's all fired up, and says that he wants to make Foley scream "I Quit" at the PPV.
Triple H (w/Chyna) vs. Edge
Triple H does the usual "Let's get ready to SUCK IT~!" promo, which was just as lame then as it is now.
This match had me interested, seeing as these two are probably the most decorated champions currently in WWE, facing off here before either of them had ever won a world title. I also think they've only had one major singles match against each other, which is pretty surprising when you consider how many times both of them have faced just about every other current main eventer. Anyway, this match looked like it might be fairly even, rather than the Triple H squash I was expecting, when Edge countered a Pedigree attempt into a Slingshot into the turnbuckles. It then quickly turned into the Triple H squash I was expecting, with Edge eating a Pedigree no more than 20 seconds laters. Ah well.
Gangrel and Christian swarm over Triple H after the match, and the lights go out as DX make their way to the ring. When the lights come back on, we see that Road Dogg has been a victim of a bloodbath, and he's PISSED! He'll be sending The Brood his dry-cleaning bill for sure!
Alright, you might want to take a few moments to prepare yourself for this one, because it's quite possibly the most fucked-up thing I've ever witnessed on a pro wrestling show...
The Acolytes come out onto the ramp, wheeling Dennis Knight out with them on some sort of table. There's a big Undertaker symbol at the other side of the ramp, and a big chair in the shape of the symbol by the entrance. The Undertaker and Paul Bearer come out, and Taker sits in the chair.
There's a long, rambling Taker promo, filled with just about every cheesy horror movie cliche line you can imagine, with Bearer cackling away to himself throughout. Taker eventually gets up, and walks over to Dennis Knight, where he speaks in tongues for a while, before taking a huge fucking knife from Paul Bearer. He then proceeds to SLIT HIS OWN FUCKING WRIST, pouring the blood from the cut into a goblet. He then rechristens Knight as Mideon, making him drink the blood. More speaking in tongues, followed by Taker carving the fucking symbol into Mideon's chest. Lightning hits the symbol to the side of the ramp, setting it on fire, as Taker sits back down in his big chair, which ends a segment too fucking weird for words.
Eleven years after this, on the same show, in the same timeslot, a man loses his job for pulling on a dude's tie.
D'Lo Brown comes out with Terri Runnels and Jacqueline, and apologizes to Terri, who apparently had a miscarriage after her accident last week. I can't even be offended by this after what I just saw. I'm numb. Anyway, D'Lo reluctantly agrees to face Mark Henry to make up for killing Terri's unborn child. Fair trade, I guess.
Before the match even starts, Terri hits a Low Blow on Mark Henry, which bring out Chyna and Sammy. Chyna shoves Jacqueline, and it sounds like her boobs fell out of her top, but the camera cut to a crowd shot.
After the break, Chyna leaves Mark alone with Sammy backstage. Uh-oh...
A Vince McMahon training video plays, with Shane coaching. He makes Vince run with a log on his shoulders in the snow, then chase a chicken around, and then beat the shit out of some meat. Funny stuff.
Corporate Royal Rumble
Ken Shamrock starts things off against Billy Gunn, but Shamrock eliminates himself almost immediately, Macho Man-style, by diving over the top rope and onto Gunn. Bossman, Test and X-Pac enter with no eliminations, then Gunn gets Hip Tossed out by Test, leaving Pac at a 2-on-1 disadvantage. Road Dogg enters, but Kane is up next, and he takes out Dogg, making it 3-on-1. Triple H is out last, and he eliminates Test, and then Kane with some help from X-Pac. Bossman dumps Pac out of the ring straight afterwards.
That leaves Triple H and Big Bossman, and they're both close to eliminating each other, when Vince McMahon makes his way to the ring! He enters, and throws both guys over the ropes, making him the winner!
BUT THEN CHYNA COMES OUT! Patterson and Brisco try to stop her from getting in the ring, but she lays them both out, and then GLASS SHATTERS~! With Vince distracted by Austin, Chyna enters the ring and throws him out to the floor, making her the 30th entrant in the Royal Rumble BAH GAWD.
Final Thoughts:
Despite the WWF title match being pretty damn good, and the main event being fun for what it was, this show was definitely a step down from the previous week. It did do a lot more to build to the Royal Rumble, I suppose, but that came at the expense of good matches and really entertaining moments. And I'm still reeling from whatever the fuck that Undertaker angle was supposed to be.
Despite the WWF title match being pretty damn good, and the main event being fun for what it was, this show was definitely a step down from the previous week. It did do a lot more to build to the Royal Rumble, I suppose, but that came at the expense of good matches and really entertaining moments. And I'm still reeling from whatever the fuck that Undertaker angle was supposed to be.
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